What is giving 100% in the theatre? Is it 100% of what you have that day? Or is it a fixed standard that does not change, regardless of your personal circumstances? How does being a parent fall into this code of behavior?
In a different blog, I left this comment to a friend about the recent audition I had last weekend; around 8 pm the night before:
I'm so stressed out right now. Due to Zoe being high maintenance and not having any help watching her today, I am just now sitting down to try to struggle through the text and the dialect. I don't really have time to do it all (for one thing, I was sent a total of TEN PAGES to be familiar with. Which would be awesome...if I had three days). I don't know what to focus on. I'm afraid if I spend too much time on the dialect I will forget to emote.
I was really excited until it became impossible to prepare properly. And now I feel stressed.
Her response was kind and encouraging, but part of it was this:
be fair to yourself and let what you are able to offer in auditions be a true representation of what you will be able to offer in rehearsals, which might be, energy/time-wise, a little less than in your pre-mommy days. NO SHAME! you will find the depth of your work will increase because of your experiences.
Her advice was meant to make me feel better. But I've been thinking about this ever since I read it. Does being a mom mean that I have to settle for giving less than 100% at the one thing in my life that makes me feel like Me?
There are definitely sacrifices you make to be a mother. A lot of moms are less fortunate than me. They are single parents who have to work a full time job while taking care of their children. Thankfully, that's not me.
My husband works a conventional full time job, and childcare is my full time job. I have about 90% of the childcare duties. I get up with her, watch her all day, feed her, clothe her, diaper her, play with her, teach her, and put her down most evenings. I take care of her on the weekends unless there is something I need to accomplish where I cannot take her; in which case my husband watches her. I also take care of our house, grocery shopping, laundry, errands, returning phone calls to our myriad parents, making certain we have toilet paper and toothpaste, and so on. Basically, what most moms do (and many of them do all this PLUS go to work outside the home. God bless you, ladies - I don't know how you do it).
Of course, I should interject here that having my daughter is the best thing that ever happened to me. It made me more mature, empathetic, and strong. It taught me the true meaning of unconditional love. And it made me realize that at the end of the day, nothing is more important than family. I have not been involved in a theatrical production for a year and a half, but I haven't missed it. Motherhood has taken all my time, and the learning curve has been tougher than any class. I've been content to be Mom and only Mom for the last 15 months. But now she doesn't need me as much as she did before she could walk and play and independently explore the world. And in kind, I need to start getting back to the parts of me that go beyond Mom.
Were I cast in a show at this point in my life we would have to adjust our situation - otherwise I do not have the time to work on a script or learn lines or do any of the normal prep and "homework" I would normally dedicate to a rehearsal process outside of the parameters of actual rehearsals.
However, I'm lucky that I do have the option to ask my husband for help. Not everyone does. In my view, this means that I am responsible for giving just as much in an audition situation as anyone else who is working two jobs or taking care of an aging parent or whatever their circumstances. In fact, in some ways it might be easier for me now than it was when I was struggling with three jobs in Chicago.
As far as my energy level...it is true that I'm more tired on a regular basis than I was in my 20s. But acting energizes me - it fills rather than depletes. If anything, I am more effervescent, focused, and creative the minute I walk into the room (and even more tired when I get home).
So I reject the notion that it's all right to show less of what I am capable - either in the audition or rehearsal process. My child will always come first, ultimately. But I will do my best to have both worlds, and give equal (yet separate) parts of me to each. I don't know how to approach anything with mediocrity and be ok with that. In truth, I'd rather not work in the theatre at all than become resigned to giving less than 100%.
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