Friday, July 9, 2010

The All-Knowing Jolie

Today in the checkout aisle in the grocery store I read Vanity Fair's headline, "Farewell, Angelina?" The blurb hinted that Angelina Jolie is ready to "retire" from acting.

It's no secret I'm no fan of Angelina Jolie. I feel that many of her life choices are calculated attempts at publicity. She's stated several times how terrible cheating is and how damaged she is from her father cheating on her mother; yet she clearly was 'with' Brad Pitt when he was married. You can do the math. I'm not any great moralist, but I do appreciate and actually respect people who admit their faults and shortcomings rather than hide behind hypocritical false outrage.

Reading this headline only made me more annoyed by this lady, who, I admit, is probably the most beautiful woman on the planet. Am I jealous? Oh, probably. I wish I had cheekbones like that; I wish I had six children; I wish I could be in an action movie and look all badass.

But putting aside all of that, and even putting aside the fact that I don't like this particular woman, the main source of my frustration is famous actors' need to publicly announce "retirement". Lest you think I am some sort of unjust Jolie-hater, this phenomenon is not solely relegated to people who annoy me. Anthony Hopkins did this a few years ago, and within another year he was back (in a terrible movie, but I digress). Leonard Nimoy, Clint Eastwood, Joaquin Phoenix, and Amanda Bynes (I know, I know; who?) have all told the world, "OMG hold on to your hats - I might be less accessible to worship now!!"

And we won't even get into non-actors doing this; I'm looking at you, Bret Favre (I love you Bret, but I lived in Wisconsin for a long time, and you have irreparably damaged a lot of people there).

Okay, okay; Clint Eastwood can do whatever he wants; he's earned it. But he is also still producing and has his hand in all sorts of projects. And he hasn't regretted his announcement and gone back to any acting roles...yet.

Why not renege on the retirement statement, issue a mea culpa and go back to acting whenever they want, you say?

Well, it's bad form, for one. First they're assuming their career is so important (and I sure there are people out there who go to sleep clutching Amanda Bynes' photo) that we'd be shocked and confused if we just didn't see them in the movies anymore. But in the case of Jolie, she says that this decision is because she wants to be a better mother. She says she will probably won't "do it much longer...Because I have a happy home...I got back from work last night, and everybody was playing music and dancing and I suddenly found myself dancing around with a bunch of little fun crazy people."

That's awesome. But guess what? Having your own interests is part of what makes you a good mother. The reason you're happy to walk into a room full of crazy dancing midgets is because you've been out doing what you love all day. However, I'll save the proselytizing because you'll figure it out on your own and we will hear all about it in your "Angelina-Returning-To-Film!" interview.

The truth is, most actors in Hollywood are egoists who are certain the world revolves around them. They have entitlement issues and believe they abide by a different set of rules than us plebes down here on Planet Earth (Lindsay Lohan, anyone?) But whether or not anyone cares if they retire from acting or not, it's folly to arrange the rest of one's life in so permanent a fashion. Can you really say who and where you'll be in ten years? How you'll feel about the world in twenty? Look back to yourself ten years ago. If you can tell me you are exactly the same, I'll eat my keyboard. It doesn't matter if you are a movie star or a janitor in a county jail; people change. In the case of Leonard Nimoy or Clint Eastwood, since they are in their twilight years, I think they might have more of an idea of "the rest of their life". But announcing retirement before you're 40 is just stupid unless you're an Olympics medal winner. Angie, those kids won't be dancing in your living room all day when they're 20. What will you be up to then?

So good for you, Angelina for knowing how the rest of your life is going to play out. Thanks for letting me know. I won't miss you because you don't make good films. And I tip my proverbial hat to you on the way out. But you'll feel the ground beneath you rumble from the force of my eyeroll when you inevitably come back.

1 comment:

Kristi Nommensen Dorson said...

Just wanted to let you know I enjoyed the writing on this post and I think you're spot on!